For the past six months or so I have been living with the guy I know as my boyfriend. I find it strange to call him that…my boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s because it feels so different than the way it was with the first boy that I called…my boyfriend, or if it is because we were in that “not exclusive but still sleeping together” stage for so long.
I make myself sad sometimes.
These six months have been a crazy mix-roller coaster of emotions. Whatever mix of words would best call it. I found out that I love him. More than I have ever loved a man before. I love everything about him. I also found out that I’m mostly sure I don’t want to marry him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m utterly terrified of love or if it’s because I am terrified of making the choice that would lead to being unhappy the rest of my life.
Honestly?…If I were to be brutally honest with myself. I hate loving someone, I am afraid, that does not love me back. At least not in the way that I understand love.
From the beginning, it seemed like our whole “seeing each other”-courtship-whatever you call it was a dance. Somewhat. Both of us tip toed around letting the other person know how each of us felt. Of course, sadly, I caved first. And I asked him over. And over. And over. To tell me how he felt about me. And because I liked him so much, I gave him a so so many chances to tell me. Sometimes, when I’m alone and really stop to think about it…the thought comes across my head that he didn’t feel a whole lot for me. Even if he does now. He may not have then.
Which makes me feel kind of pathetic. Just sometimes. Other times I’m just happy I have him.
I know it might not make sense, but I think that’s why my ideas on marriage have dipped and changed. I used to believe marriage was this beautiful, eternal thing that bonds two people. I still believe that now, I suppose. I just don’t want that anymore. I don’t think anyone could ever love me that much. I don’t ever see having that “marriage talk”. I don’t want to have it myself. I can’t let anyone else in but myself.
And you know what? I’m okay with that.
If you like it, you shouldn’t put a ring on it!